gOnE hOme

jozelle's birthday and i went home... i miss everyone. it's so nice to be back.and so i went there, put on a skirt, a yellow blouse and some chucks...atenista?

ick.

i missed them soooo much.

don was, as usual, a nut... it's cool that i could breathe easy around him na. zelle was distant, you know. i'm so scared that i'll lose her friendship. adrian's the best... sweet, sweet adrian. etei, eunice... pahm was crazy. she reminds me of ateneo. she should have been there. kelly was there too. i like him now that i don't go to school with him. bryan's crazy. sir archie was there. fuck. kristel was there but we didn't talk. duh. maynard's cool. i can bear him now that i've met charz. jofel, zelle's bf, was, well, not too keen to see me.

i hate some of the people there. fucking narrow-minded. aaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh.

tHe fiFteEn-yEar-oLd poTtymOutH

never, ever, EVER carry around a birth certificate with you to show people that you're only fifteen. baaaaaad idea. bad. plain bad. sad too.

he asked me how old i was because i made that damned remark of not having been born yet when this thing (i can't remember what it was) happened. i said 15. didn't believe me. took out the cursed birth certificate and it was hell ever since.

that was then.

now, just this morning, i saw him in the libe. cute. that's what he thought too."aw, you're so cute... fifteen years old..." with a pat on the head.

and i said the two words that are the greatest invention of man since jude law:

"fuck you."

grrrrrrrrreeeat.

retreat to girl's cr.

hai.

hai.

hai.

we had an exam today and he started to say sorry. i didn't give in. because having him plead is just so nice.

since, common vote, im an idiot with a conscience, i nodded my creaky head--to forgive and implore. what. metaphors, metaphors.

damneet.

sTaLliNg

fuck, i shouldn't be doing this. i shouldn't even be writing this... i have this crp i need to write... it's due tomorrow. it has to be three to four pages long... four copies. i have to write about my grandfather's death. damn.

and dami naman kasing distraction!!!

speaking of which, my classmate from es--you know, that dude--walked in the room... i dont want to look any other friggin way cuz he myt think im looking for him... fuck this. well, i think he's gone...yesterday, he found out i was 15...

and yey for me.

i got accepted in litsoc and lfc... yippeee. damn it, i need to write...

<<-->>

paolo (cw blockmate) has a federation. jeesh. sandi, nikay, sam q... zoe daw even. (okay, can someone shed light on these rumors???)

cant blame them. i mean, since he is one of the verrry few decent guys in our block... call him the staple crush. parang bigas.

sometimes, i want to be sexless.

hArRy poTtEr fiEnDs

i hate this. i hate this. i still don't have the book and everybody's giving me spoilers. grrrrrr. die, people. die...

even my mom's teasing me:

ron dated _______ to make _______ jealous.

harry kissed _______.

lupin is dating _______.

aragog's friggin' dead.

the "prince" is a maiden name.

the new minister of magic's a vampire.

goddamnit.

aLmoSt tHerE... wHerEvEr iT iS

this is just utter craziness... utterly insane. completely. fully...

hai.

im going to go to my grandmother's later for the weekend... which reminds me, i have to prepare my laundry... (im so lazy: i have to ask my lola's maids to wash my clothes for me.) ...i think m mom's nagtatampo cuz im going to her mom's house and not to our house. jeesh. she's supposed to pick me up tomorrow. i figured that hte longer i stay at paranaque (my lola's house), the more delihiyensiya (money) i get. (i know, im so bad!) anyhoo, we'll see what happens...

i was lesbo yesterday. just yesterday, damn it. kami na ni zoe. yesterday. of course, this is all just a bunch of crap but a lot of people thought i was serious. hahaha. i won't make a good lesbo... i love men too much. they're stupid, but i love themm... and i don't want to be lesbo just because there's no hope in me finding a guy. that's desperation. no. i want my "transition" to be natural (as natural as it could be) and of my own volition. ...being lesbo, it scares me, man. besides, my family will have a mass heart attack.

<<-->>

[i shouted his name in front of my class and he wasn't even there.]

damn.

he is endearing with his soporific attitude, mass of curls and chucks. reminds me of a puppy with shoes. yey.

mother said, "never date a guy who's also a writer cuz you'll both starve. go to the som building and hunt for boys there."

she actually made sense.

<<-->>

i want to see my friends back in high school. even just one of them... just to remind me of what i had, have... what i was, what i should be... ach...i miss jozelle, adrian, bryan, kenneth, miss queenie... people waving at me in school, chirping, "hi, ate shang!"

that's gone now. im not even "shang" anymore.

ofF tO gRanDmA'z

damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit. something's wrong with my tummy. it hurts like friggin hell. if you want me to be graphic, then let me tell you that whenever id go to the cr (which is often) then i end up flushing something that looks like seaweed soup.

bwahahahahaha.

my tito arrives within the hour and im still not at home!!! and my tummy is still fucked out. damn it. i never should have eaten that pastillas glenn gave me...

oh, shit, (haha), i want to tell ya about ducky. it's a plant. a sampagita plant i need for es12... it's dead. no, dying... well, it's flowers are dying but i saw a new twig sprouting from nowhere... hmmm... i only water it, say, once a week... bait ko no??? if it dies, my grade's fucking dead too.

ach...i am in search of a guy. a guy. a guy. a guy.

nah, just kidding. this ain't my style.

i want to join blue rep but it's just a fantasy... can't dedicate that much of me to an org or a pasttime or an activit i don't really like, love. i can sing... sabi nila but my ego, singing-wise, is just too fucking bruised. damn the last singing thing i joined.

<<-->>

had an interview sa lfc (loyola film circle). they asked me that if i had a movie about my life, what would it be called???

"um..." for lack of a better answer: "pages."

is that friggin lame or what?

starring who?

"kiera knightley."

ick.

i even made a terrible first impression when i couldn't remember what committee i was supposed to join.

hai...

but she said naman na "welcome to lfc!"

but im in probation pa until the end of the sem...

i hope my interview with litsoc goes well... ach, i love books... i wanna be a part of this team! i hope this year, they'll (we'll :') ) get accredited... oooh...

<<-->>

i think i better get going...

YOU THINK?!

bisoux! mwah...

tHe eMasCuLatiOn oF miMi

i have it on good authority--mine--that i am freaking crazy.

i wore tiny shorts to school today. just thought id show of my gams for a change. ick. so far, bad idea. im itchy. people are giving me weird looks. hai. it's jeans or nothing. nothing!!!

im at the ilab, rizal libe or whatever you call this place with lotsa computers... im rusty. can't seem to write straight. when i do write, it comes out like this. bubbly. perky.

dagnammeet.

<<-->>

during one of my senti-channeling-high-school mode, i thought, i don't think people like me.

and then, naisip ko uli. "oh, shut the fuck up. it doesn't matter."

<<-->>

let's talk about this whacko school i'm in. beep. beep. beep. i don't particularly hate it. i don't love it. i like it though. very nice. hmmm. hmmm. but you know that sometimes, you feel that you just can't fit in, no matter what you do? well, sometimes that's what i feel.

are we supposed to fit in? what is the meaning of life?

wala lang.

<<-->>

i'm late for my scholar service hours. yup, im a scholar. no, im not a scholar just because i passed the acet or (more impossibly) i got a high score in it. it's because im freaking poor, hehe. that's what. i'm not bitter. i just wish i was richer. HAHA.

im proud to have what i have now though. thankful. eternally grateful. but sometimes, you just can't help it eh.

teEteRinG oN hiGh hEeLs, fRusTrAtiOn aNd a tiNgLiNg oF soRts

let me start by telling ya guys that i don't usually sound this shallow... usually. so, that means, in five out of twelve months, im as giddy as a headless chicken.

anyhoo...

im wearing my wedge sandals right now... the strappy ones with two-inch heels. i officially look like an amazon. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. without further ado...let me start with the moment i wake up: six-fifteen, forty-five minutes past my supposed wakey time. i wear a pink--glaringly pink--top and these blasted heels. i remove my pe stuff from my bag. off i go.

im two friggin minutes late for my english class.

nothing much happened today. what an exciting new entry, no???

oooohhh... we have a neew classmate. damn him. he complicates things. unwanted distraction, damn it! he's belgian, eighteen, blue eyes (sabi ni isel but i really didn't want to look at his face).. he has this name, which i forgot, that sounds like "evariste"--one of the characters in my stories. he has disrupted the flow of the M02 class. the following hour after his arrival was so comical, it almost brought me to tears:

tanya: (usually sleepy, bored, jaded) ... (but now, ever so perky!) we have a new classmate!!!

M02 looks. brows shoot to hairlines. jaws drop, drool proceeds to flow...i reluctantly look that-a-ways.

(finally gino talks!) and i feel as if im pole-axed.there, wearing a green shirt, is the PALEST person, the BLONDEST dude i have ever laid my virgin eyes on.

all hell broke loose.

everyone was giggling. even miss lin. everyone was flustered. everyone was... well, belgian-struck. others were threatened. gino and nonoy were laughing their butts off at the girls' reactions.

(btw--my first reaction was: "do you have guylian chocolates with you? you know--the ones shaped like seashells and seahorses?")

this is just so funny.

<<-->>

i want to talk about gab. mainly because i just saw him pass by. anyhoo, he's this blockmate of mine, a pure-bred atenista. first time i saw him, i thought of two things: 1.) "who does he think he is--acting like he owns the school?!) and 2.) "did he get lost?"he doesn't look like a writer.(i'm sorry bout that... not saying that writers look alike. heck, if i weren't me, i'd think i wasn't a writer too. but you get my drift, right???)

but then, everyday, i learn more and more about him. the revelations are disconcerting and pleasantly surprising. yesterday, i saw him reading "the grapes of wrath" by steinbeck... today, i saw him filling up an application form for HEIGHTS--the school's lit publication. cool.

well.. goes to show how assumptions can bite you in the ass.

<<-->>

once again we discussed the status of one of our blockmates. nikay and sandi're asking. hehehe.

<<-->>

the thorns on my side sa nat. sci were absent. wala lang.

<<-->>

I'M GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG--I BLEEPING KNOW IT!

<<-->>

went to isel's place for lunch. yummy embutido... i was weighing the merits of each kind (by the way they were cooked)--fried and baked. i think the fried is yummier.

i cut p.e.!!! congratulations, your first cut of your college life! and the fucking guilt is killing me.
<<-->>

kaka and charz look cute daw. hindi po ako ang nagsabi nun.

<<-->>

i miss batista.

<<-->>

i read jason's blog. it friggin hurts and annoys me. im sorry, kuya jase. sorry. i appreciate all that you did for us. im sorry for my actions, if they offended you or pissed you off and im saying sorry in behalf of my block... no, we don't behave that way because we're writers but it's usually a sufficient excuse. and we ARE writers. WE. not those angsty emo kinds though SOME OF US ARE LIKE THAT. some of us are passive. some of us are uncooperative. some of us are kikay. some of us are bubbly. some are angsty. some are children of celebrities. don't hold that against us. i'm not angry. just deeply hurt. no, scratch that: i am angry.

how's that for emo?